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5 Things I’ll Never Miss About Raves Again

Since lockdown seems to be coming to a close and since there’s the very faint possibility that we might even be allowed to go out partying this year (please, oh sweet Jesus please) here at the Goat Shed we thought we’d take this austere moment to look back over 5 things that we’ll never miss about raves, no matter how long it is till the next one.

1 – Prices

Red Stripe has this magical power that, when someone hands you it over a bar in a club, it manages to more than triple in price. You always willingly pay for it too, which is just as baffling.

“What’s this? Lukewarm Jamaican pisswater for only a fiver? I’ll take 4 please”

Don’t get me started on spirits.

Seen here: my rent money

2 – Sweaty walls

Not just walls either, ceilings too. 

Once some condensed sweat fell off the ceiling of the Volks’ room 2 into my eye. 

You can’t just scrub that off. I can still feel it inside me sometimes when the wind blows from the East.

3 – Wannabe MCs in toilet queues

Look mate I realise that we are both going to be stood here for the foreseeable, but that does not give you licence to scream doubletime bars in my ear.

Oh, you’ve managed to rhyme inna with rizla? Surprised you’re not on stage really.

This. This is not you. Not even close. Stop shouting and let me piss in peace.

4 – Bouncers

There you are minding your own business, hurting no one, trying to do a boot up in peace and then who comes along? Bam – fun police.

The worst.

5 – Leaving

Please don’t make me go back to the real world. I want to stay here with the weird walls and the expensive red stripe and the music hammering its way into my soul and brain and body and making me feel connected and warm and happy and alive.

Fuck, I miss raves.